Arhiva | august, 2013

Sometimes

30 aug.

Sometimes I feel like I’m only doing bad by trying to do good. Regardless how much I am trying, I can never ever please anyone, despite my good intention. It’s like nobody’s waiting for the final result, they’re only looking at one time, time that’s not even close to the ending of my purpose.

And why can’t I do things by snapping fingers ? Why can’t I make it right for everybody ? Am I human ? Or am I denser ?

Why am I not good enough lately ? Why is everybody in a rush to destroy me and my attempts? The choices I make are not only for my own good, trust me. I never tried to justify myself before, but it seems that hard times require that I at least try to make it obvious that I am seeking for the good, not the bad, nor the ugly. I know it’s hard to think ahead, especially when you don’t know what to be expecting. But try, just try.

Maybe I asked for something because I wasn’t sure. Maybe I did something because I wasn’t aware of what it will lead to. Maybe I just didn’t mean to react in a way. Maybe I had more in mind.

Maybe I just wanted to be happy. Me. You.

This is now how it’s supposed to be, I’m sure

28 aug.

I hate that kind of people. People that do not say, to be honest, that they’d be there for you, but they ignite that thought in your head ; and then, they’re not. It’s the wish of escaping that makes you run to them so quickly, believing that they’d apreciate and treat you at your real value and, most important, the way you want to be treated in that very moment. And that only happens because you’ve seen too many movies until now. And you are yet to see more.

But you can’t hate, you don’t know how to hate.You don’t even know how to love, because if you really did know, you wouldn’t be here in this very moment , trying to figure out who loves you and who doesn’t. Think. You know nothing, you are just like the others. You thought you were different ? Well, here’s the proof – you are replaceable and, most important – you’re not that important.

Also true.

It’s been a while

13 aug.

Imi amintesc cand am fost la plaja cu tine.

Picaturi firave de apa ti se scurgeau din genele impreunate. Nu stiam la ce te gandeai sau daca te gandeai cu adevarat la ceva, dat fiindca nu sunt inca destul de buna la citit expresii neutre pe fete frumos de simetrice.
Soarele iti batea drept sub frunte, fapt care te facea sa te incrunti subtil, indeajuns de usor incat chipul tau ramanea perfect observabil in cel mai mic detaliu. Mi-am dorit sa deschizi ochii in acel moment, dar asta ar fi insemnat sa te raneasca lumina soarelui. Asa ca m-am intins langa tine, cu ochii inchisi strans si un prosop peste fata, de frica sa nu imi poti patrunde cumva privirea. Te-ai fi speriat, iti spun.
Am incercat sa adorm, dar o briza usoara imi inunda narile, imi impregna pielea cu mirosul tau ; in loc sa adorm, te-am luat de mana.

Erai doar tu, marea si un prosop roz.

Oameni vin, oameni pleaca

1 aug.

Pe langa sensul evident al acestei fraze ( ca oamenii sunt niste fiinte mizere care isi plaseaza propria persoana pe un piedestal sus, undeva de neatins, dar in apropierea celorlalte ; cand un factor extern ameninta sa darame ansamblul sublim de calitati si defecte prin bombardament cu adevar,  isi muta locul in apropierea unor entitati mai tacute si supuse, cum e firesc) , as dori sa pun in lumina urmatorul aspect : vedem fete noi in fiecare zi.
Cum stiu eu ca nu le-am mai zarit vreodata ? Tocmai ! Nu stiu, iar acest lucru imi macina constiinta. De fiecare data am impresia ca valurile de oameni de pe strazi imi sunt complet neintalnite inainte. Nu stiu daca sa ma incred in constient si imi pare atat de rau ca nu imi pot accesa subcobstientul. Poate undeva acolo, pe cucoana de langa mine din autobuz o stiu din piata, iar pe tipul pe role de cand eram mica, pe taximetrist de acum doi ani, iar cu fetita aceasta care se apropie vioi poate ca m-am jucat.
Stau si ma gandesc. Nu ne amintim tot pentru ca nu acordam atentie in mod deliberat ? Sau e doar un mecanism defensiv in ceea ce priveste umplerea memoriei cu nimicuri ?